I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
