Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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