he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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