You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
