i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
