You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
