Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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