dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
