he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
