Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
