Taylor Swift is so right about you.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Buhtt sex?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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