Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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