Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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