You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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