I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
