Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
