I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
