Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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