Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
