You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
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I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
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getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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