WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
