I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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