the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
