i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
