i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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