his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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