You can't special order awesome
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
