Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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