last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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