I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.