I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.