Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.