I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
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Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
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I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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