I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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