Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
