tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just forgot I was standing up.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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