i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
