all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
