I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
