I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
