when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
