Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
