I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
