i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
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I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
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This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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