It's like God shit irony all over that family
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
