Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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