...so i touched it.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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