Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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