I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
