apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
