the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
