Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
