Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
