i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
