His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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