I just threw up on my dentist
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
